BUILDING AN ASYLUM SYSTEM THAT WORKS IS HARD.

Are you finding it difficult and politically unrewarding to run an asylum system that keeps people safe while they wait for a decision on their claim?

We have the perfect solution for the busy and ambitious politician! It’s cheap, you can build it yourself and it’s way less hassle than trying to be compassionate in a complex situation. Introducing…

Click on the diagram of each step to enlarge it for a closer look

BEFORE YOU START…

STEP 1: BUILDING YOUR FRAME

You need a big frame for your BÖRDER KRISÍS. Don’t worry that your frame doesn’t fit the facts, the rest of the steps will show you how to make it look like the facts fit your frame.

Remember, when you’re building a BÖRDER KRISÍS – appearances are everything. Here are two suggestions for frames that work really well:

• ‘The UK can’t manage the number of people coming to claim asylum’

• ‘These people aren’t “genuine” refugees’

STEP 2: DRAWING THE EYE

Your BÖRDER KRISÍS will grab people’s attention and make a statement about exactly what kind of politician you are. So don’t hide it in a corner!

Draw attention to your BÖRDER KRISÍS by finding the perfect spot for it in newspaper headlines and TV news coverage. If you’re really desperate that it gets noticed, you can even stand next to your BÖRDER KRISÍS pointing at it. See instructions below.

But don’t brag! A sophisticated politician won’t get drawn into talking about where a BÖRDER KRISÍS came from, and definitely would never admit to building it themself!

STEP 3: HOW TO USE YOUR CLAMP

First, trim down safe routes into the UK to almost nothing. Now combine the media frenzy from STEP 2 with carefully measured dishonesty about people arriving in Britain.

Your base is complete – it’s time to use the clamp. The clamp is for ‘clamping down’ on the problems you created when forming the base.

BÖRDER KRISÍS is so timeless and versatile because the clamp is adjustable. If you prevent people from arriving you can claim success. If you can’t prevent people from arriving, simply adjust to clamping down on lawyers, charities and people seeking asylum themselves.

Clamp down very firmly. This might cause the law to break but if anyone says it’s too firm, just tell them it’s fair as well.

Get these adjustments right and you can use your BÖRDER KRISÍS year after year.

STEP 4: PAINTING IT YOUR WAY

You can paint your BÖRDER KRISÍS in very broad strokes, using the same brush throughout.

Once you’ve chosen your preferred tone – ‘illegal’, ‘criminal’, ‘no right to be here’, ‘bogus asylum claims’ – you can paint everything the way you want it.

Don’t worry about all of the different, complicated elements that you’re painting over. As with all aspects of BÖRDER KRISÍS, the key thing is not what’s underneath but how you make it look.

Once you’ve decorated your BÖRDER KRISÍS, it’s time to affix your mirror. You’ll notice that the mirror is not flat, but that’s as intended – it’s designed to distort things so they reflect back the way you want them to be seen.

STEP 5: DECORATING YOUR BÖRDER KRISÍS

The appearance of your BÖRDER KRISÍS can’t be all things to all people. In fact, you should know exactly who it’s appealing to before building it. Generally, it works better as a divider than something to bring the whole room together.

When your BÖRDER KRISÍS is ready you might feel like you can do whatever you want. But, unfortunately, there are still standards you’re supposed to meet. You can ignore some of these but others you may need to work around.

Why not try a ‘consultation’? A ‘consultation’ is a great addition to paper over any cracks that appear when you put your BÖRDER KRISÍS to use. But remember, you can’t use a broken consultation, so make sure yours is fixed before anyone sees it.

STEP 6: NEARLY THERE…

Your finished BÖRDER KRISÍS might seem flimsy, incoherently thrown together and easy to dismantle but don’t worry, you just need to know how to use it.

STEP 7: HOW TO USE YOUR BÖRDER KRISÍS

Your BÖRDER KRISÍS grabs attention in many different situations. You’ll get so much usage out of it you might end up talking about little else. Here’s how to make the most of it:

• BÖRDER KRISÍS draws the focus away from things you don’t want people to look at, like the appalling state of asylum accommodation or other scandals you’d rather not talk about.

• BÖRDER KRISÍS is extendable. Keep clamping down and you can wheel it out whenever you want.

• If you build your BÖRDER KRISÍS big enough and distracting enough, you can hide behind it while you work on reforms you could never justify without a BÖRDER KRISÍS.